Archive for 2005

Stamford go down 5 nil.

In general terms the least that is said about last night’s drubbing the better. Report writing this week is even further impinged as the writer was first on and the length of that tie was such that all other matches other than Glyn “the Gaylord” Williams’ had been played on the other court by the time his match was over.

First on were Alastair Gunn and Simon Richardson playing at 2 and 4 respectively.

Alastair seemed to ignore the fact that his opponent was a lefty and proceeded to try and out rally Dylan Ross for most of the match on his extremely powerful forehand. Having said that Alastair sneaked to an 8/7 lead in the first but despite approximately 82 game balls failed to close it out. A mighty effort in the 2nd saw Alastair take the second 9/7 having been 0/6 behind and then take the third 9/5. Dylan then snuck back into the game dictating the pace from the front with accurate and deceptive play to take the next two 9/4 9/3.

Simon battled hard against Dave Batterby and despite a hard push to take the second struggled to cope with Dave’s droppy lobby game and went down 2/9 10/8 3/9 1/9.

It took the time that Simon was in the shower for Mike Coogan to see off Dave Spooner 1/9 3/9 1/9. Dave was seen after the 7 minute 15 second tie rubbing tap water into his shirt to make it look as if he had done some running.

Fine performances were put in by both Jonathan Oakley and Glyn Williams who were both unlucky not to get a result the other way. Jonathan lost to Paul Partington 2/9 9/4 7/9 5/9 and Glyn was narrowly defeated by Justin Fowler 7/9 9/6 2/9 9/6 2/9.

We finished the match at 9.15pm, as we arrived on time at 7.30pm courtesy of Tim Schumacher. It is obvious that we gave them a good stuffing!

The highlight of the evening for some, may have been the cross dressing by Tim and John in the changing rooms, but the squash was more important for me. However I must admit that John was dashing in his new briefs and Tim was all the rave, with his yawning posterior gaping out from John’s delicious castaways!

Anyway back to squash:

Me, John and Paul hardly broke sweat and were looking for a game afterwards. Dave tried to break sweat with some deft underhits and I couldn’t be bothered to ask for the let tactics, but with cunning experience, he wafted away the pensioner he was playing with (his opponent).

Tim had the only game worth playing and what a game! Down 2/9 and 4/9, he dug out an incredulous comeback to 2-2. Unfortunately he pulled a knee ligament and became a hobbling cripple. All seemed lost as Tim went down 0-7 and a hobble became a worse hobble, and we all said from the balcony ‘you can do it Tim’ yeah. And believe it or believe it not Lazarus was born, with grit, graft, determination, courage, bravery, and team spirit (do you like all this crap?), Tim was magnificent and point by point got to 7-7, then 7-7, 8-7 and 9-7 to complete a most remarkable recovery, which must go down in the record books!

Stamford 5, St Neots 0

For the record the results were:-
Paul Swift beat Mike Biggs 9/4, 9/2, 9/2
Dave Spooner beat Colin Taylor 9/5, 9/7, 9/7
John Fields beat Andy Beattie 9/2, 9/2, 9/2
Paul Redfern beat Dave Bettany 9/4, 9/0, 9/0
Tim Prior beat Andy Fenner 2/9, 4/9, 9/1, 9/7, 9/7

This was always going to be a tricky tie and a real team effort was going to be required to pull off a victory.

First on court first were Kai and Simon, again playing respectively at 4 and 5.

Kai showing the sharpness around the court that had won him the invite to join the ranks of the Stamford 1 team cruised comfortably to a 9/4 9/3 9/2 victory against Chez Alenanno. Kai’s clear enthusiasm for the game must be causing some concern for his very pregnant wife at the moment. Not only is the young man constantly out playing for every Stamford team in the Peterborough leagues but he is clearly spending all of the nappy fund on flashy new bats and go faster hair highlights.

Kai’s solid performance was followed by an equally masterful display by Glyn Williams who comfortably dispensed with his opponent Martin Meadows 9/1 9/0 9/2.

Meanwhile Simon Richardson was battling hard for what proved to be the pivotal tie. His opponent Dave Reweder tested Simon with a closely fought first game which Simon just managed to squeeze 10/8. Some great squash ensued, good hard length broken up with delicate finishes from both players. Dave took the 2nd 9/6 and whilst the next two games were closely contested Simon (who can always pull something special out of the bag when the pressure is on) held it together taking the last two 9/6 9/4.

Three matches having been won the victory was in hand with only Alastair and Jonathan Oakley left to play.

A number of supporters had turned up to watch the evening’s play – none more interested in the outcome of the next match than Lawrence and Dave (having been left out of this week’s line up).

The captain dragged himself onto court barely recovered from a weekend spent on the large white (well more aubergine) porcelain telephone whilst the vultures gathered eagerly on the balcony. What followed, to the eye of the knowledgeable squash follower, was a tear jerking tragedy. The usual display of powerful penetrating squash just wasn’t there. Whilst bravely fought and distracted by the cries of “drop him” from Dave “ten bellies” Spooner the result was inevitable as Edd Hale snatched a 9/1 9/5 9/5 victory.

The two Jonathans were left then to educate and demonstrate their court prowess. For the first game, at least, the older looking of the two (Mr Oakley) looked like having a sniff of a chance and top spun dropped his way to a 9/6 opening game victory. The next couple of games were coloured a little – JO, shielding his embarrassment at being constantly wrong footed in front of a packed house, bitched like an old woman. The petulant display, normally associated with teenage spottiness, however did nothing to improve his game (the under sized ladies shorts can’t have helped either). Increasingly tired the old timer could do nothing to hold back the tide as Jonathan (the younger) closed out the remaining three games in decisive fashion 9/3 9/4 9/3.

The team retired to the Green Man for a well earned celebratory pint allowing Mr Hand to eat his third dinner of evening and Mr Oakley to whinge about the unfairness of being expected to thank his sponsor by wearing the team shirt.

This was going to be a tough match after a 20-0 defeat away to them in the first half of the season. We did however have a reasonably strong team with only Yorkie missing. On transit to the courts though the problems began as team captain Yorkie received a text from our No 1 – wing commander James “Biggles” Treweek stating he was running late. Apparently as one of the Harrier Sqn “top guns” he’d been “jollying over sausage side in his fighter jet, loosing off a couple of sidewinder missiles on some damn Iraqi insurgents”. Slight snag in that on the return leg at 40,000 feet up the bloody wings fell off”. Fortunately “jump jet” Treweek (as the chicks in Stamford know him as) was a skilled and experienced pilot and managed to glide the remainder of the jet (minus wings) back home safely. The text concluded – “Had to attend a de-brief and major pat on the back with tea and tiffin but would be at the courts by 8pm (assuming the grubby engineer types had managed to put some wings back on!”

First on court were the Barker brothers. Richard playing a very pretty Danish girl and Simon playing a not very pretty bloke. Rich started well playing steady squash, good length and hitting some good tight shots. Consistency was the order of the day and Rich maintained this giving him the edge and a 3-1 victory.

Simon was on the other court, playing with no support and no-one watching (they were all dribbling and making smutty comments watching the other match) started well and took control of the game. A comfortable 2-0 lead ensued before Barker started to fold under self-induced pressure (a win was looking likely). The third drifted away and it was 2-1. Simon struggled in the fourth to find form again but at 7-4 down the shots came together and Simon went through to win 3-1.

Stamford 2-0 up and looking good. Next on was Mark Smith. It was apparent after the first few points that Mark had left his lungs at home and was clearly labouring around court like a pregnant duck. His opponent took full advantage being was swift and clinical in his finishing and it was all over. A 3-0 defeat for Smithy.

Jon Hand went on next. It was clearly not Jon’s night as his normally safe and destructive short game left him making errors in abundance. His opponent also took advantage and try as he might Jon could not get in the groove with his shots and another swift tie was over 3-0 and Stamford looking wobbly at 2-2.

Still good news – Biggles Treweek had arrived and was just unstrapping out of his jet. After fighting off a swarm of groupies he arrived on court to rapturous applause and much fawning. The Danish girl was also seen trying to force her phone number on our hero. As the match got under way it was going to be tough for James (especially after a hard day dropping bombs) and his opponent Ali was no slouch. Good running from James and a few missed winners from Ali saw a close first and some excellent squash was seen. James stole the first and things were looking up. The second saw a complete change and James collapsed under pressure allowing Ali a quick win to level it 1-1. A tight third saw more excellent squash with James working hard to stay in touch. Ali though retained the edge with some awesome short shots and took it 9-6. The fourth saw James change tack trying to keep Ali away from the front of the court. This proved successful reducing James’ workload and forcing Ali to work harder. Ali though just kept his nose in front and at 7-5 up it suddenly looked like Ali’s lungs had given up (possibly due to James sucking all the available oxygen on court) and James crept back. Ali though held out and stole the fourth for the match 3-1.

A better result for Stamford but disappointed in losing the match.

Stamford GM has not had the season we hoped for so far with some disappointing results and difficulty in turning out a near full strength team. Hopes were high for this one though with only Yorkie missing from the line up.

The Barker brothers were on first. Richard was up against Matt Beacon. “No legs” Barker had had his knees firmly locked against the car heater for the last hour in a vain effort to warm them up and give him slightly more mobility round court than Ironsides. This was noticeable immediately as Rich was seen skipping round the court with an agility not seen since Nora Batty took up squash At 87 years old! Consequently Rich struggled to get into the match and when he did arrive at the ball in time, played it magnificently into the path of his opponent, usually at a nice volleying height. So a tough result for Rich losing 9-6, 9-5, 9-1 and was last seen logging onto E-Bay in search of new knees!

Simon was on the other court playing Nick Sabey, a tricky customer with a very pleasant personality on court – not. A blinding start by Simon saw him run away with the first two 9-3 and 9-6 and going 7-3 up in the third before changing his style and playing like a complete Muppet. This allowed Nick back into the third and he took advantage winning it 9-7. The fourth saw Simon locked into a fixed routine and unable to change his game plan (mainly because he hasn’t got another one) to lose the fourth 9-7. A valiant fight by Simon in the fifth did nothing to help as Nick played an excellent short game to win 9-6 and the tie 3-2.

So Stamford two down already the omens were not good. Jon Hand on next playing Andy Kimber. Jon always looked comfortable floating the ball around the court and putting some leisurely boasts in, working Andy hard around the court. Andy did have a good spell in the second, forcing Jon to hit the ball hard on at least two occasions before regaining his composure (a quick hair check) and back to his own floaty, droppy style of squash we all love to play against. A convincing win for Jon 9-4, 9-6, 9-4 and the first win for Stamford – Wo hooo.

Next on was Mark Smith playing Nevil Macnish. The first was a real hard battle with both players moving well, taking the ball very early and hitting accurate shots at pace. Some great rallies finally saw Mark steal the first 10-8. The second saw much of the same from Mark as Nevil started to make errors and Mark opened up at 7-3 lead before lifting his foot of the pedal and suddenly Nevil was back in it 7-7 and looking the stronger player. Mark got to grips though and snatched it back to win 9-7 for a 2-0 lead. The third saw a change as Mark relaxed the pressure and Nevil came good. Some great kills from Nevil allowed him to build a comfortable lead as Mark struggled to get the edge back into his game. Unable to recover it Mark lost the third 9-4. The fourth saw a renewed attack from Mark back to his first game plan, taking the ball early, hitting excellent width and retrieving superbly. Putting Nevil under too much pressure he took the fourth 9-1 with some outstanding squash. Suddenly Stamford were back in the match at 2-2.

Last on was James Treweek (nearly 40 years old) playing Jack White (17 ½ years old). This was a classic “stroppy teenager v mid life crisis” match. The match started at a very fast pace with both players ricocheting around the court picking up everything but James, with his trickle boast and great gets from tight drops just edged away before a “collision” brought some harsh words from Jack that James took exception to. Toys began flying out of both cots as tensions started to rise. The standard of squash was unaffected though and some excellent rallies ensued. James continued his grip on the first to take it 9-4. The second started in a very similar petulant fashion with James not content with his “accidental” collision in the first, decided in handing the ball over to his opponent a better option was to fire it into his chest with a nice drive. Clearly Jack was not happy about this with a withering look at James and some complaints to the marker who was going greyer by the minute. Again though the squash was awesome with both players committed fully but Jack missed a number of good opportunities for a kill, hitting the tin and allowing James the second 9-3. The third got underway with James concerned about his match fitness having just got back from a 3 week tour in Australia playing Air Force tennis (3 games!!) and brushing up on his sunbathing technique. Not wanting to prolong the match James put everything into the third as Jack began to get stronger. Tensions still very high and at 7-6 up James hit a great cross-court rolling nick. Not happy with just winning the point James decided some football style celebrations were in order running around the court with his shirt over his head, whooping and “na na ni na naing” to Jack. Stylishly done James but failed to make Jack cry. It was enough though to give James enough of a gap to take the third and the tie 3-0 and Stamford the match 3-2. A well needed team victory. A very entertaining evenings squash. Thanks James. Oh by the way, the marker was last seen jibbering in a corner.